figure of love
- Apr 3, 2017
- 2 min read
Relationships still scare the shit out of me
Let me list why because I don't think I ever truly have thought about it
I shrink away at the mere thought that he will have so much emotional control over me, not because he'll be controlling and manipulative because I become so emotionally attached to people. I don't think he'll ever realize it because I'll conceal it but I am very very attached easily to people and want them to love me back as much as I love them. I will find every reason to fall in love with his smile, his laugh, his eyes, and his core. But when he realizes how clingy I am, will he like me back? Will he be able to handle all the attention I desire? Will I just be overwhelming?
I'm afraid of physical contact. I think this mostly has to do with an insecurity with myself. I'm afraid of my stomach not being entirely flat, which actually is such an irrational thought but I think is still valid. I'm afraid he'll realize that I'm a horrible kisser because surprise surprise I've never had my first kiss yet. I'm afraid he'll realize how damn AWKWARD I am ????!?!??!?!?!? Is that the person he fell in love with or began to? I'm afraid of hugging because I'm afraid of letting people know that I am vulnerable to someone, that I have a weakness.
I'm so dead scared of break ups. I've felt it before. I've felt heartbroken. I've literally felt by heart break. It's the worst feeling in the world. I rocked myself back and forth in my bed, waiting for the horrifying emptiness to disappear. I held myself together with my arms and nothing else. The tether that held me to the world was so thin. I watched TV, let myself turn turn into a puddle and cried a whole lot. Am I okay with the prospect of reliving that dark part of my past? The only time I let a break up truly affect me?
I'm afraid of letting someone who can break OFF a relationship with me into my inner most thoughts. What if they decide I wasn't the person they thought I was? In a friendship you don't have to deal with that as much because it's a friendship, it'll wither away and grow as it pleases with no such attachments. But a relationship? That's different. I want him to like me. And if he doesn't? I'll be crushed. Just crushed. No doubt about it.
I used to walk the other way when I saw my (ex-)boyfriend(s). I'm not quite sure why. I guess I just didn't want people to know that I liked someone so much.
How do I feel about all this now? I'm not too sure. But now I may have found someone and I feel as though I should start to figure it out again.
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