used to be vs. entitled to be
Coming here as made me feel entitled. It's not really something I've felt before. I used to be the kid that was satisfied with 50% because "at least I got 50% of the questions right!" I used to be the kid that would trip on grass and make bee homes to pass the time. I used to be the kid that would just hope and pray that she got an A on her next test, but nothing more complicated than that. I used to be the kid that got joy out of watching her friends play with their food and make messes that could only be justified by the fact that we were immature high schoolers. I used to be the kid that thought it was cool to take out a strip of hair and call it "bangs." I used to be the kid that would send notes to boys and ask them to check "yes or no" to let me know whether they liked me -- always to get a no in response or to be flat out ignored (rude). I used to be the kid that just wanted her driver's license and wanted to go to any college that would accept her. I used to be the kid that found satisfaction with hard work and where it got me, not dissatisfaction because of where it didn't.
Coming here has changed a lot of that. I'm no longer happy with a 50% (which I think is a good thing though). I don't play in the grass because it's all covered by the snow or puddles. I eat food hastily in 20 minutes or less because I'm so busy or eating is no longer of interest to me. I obsessively check what I look like in the mirror. I whine when I don't have my own form of transportation.
I now find dissatisfaction with where I am not.
I think that's the most important part and the most alarming part of my experience here. I am slowly becoming the snowflake millenial all the adults criticize in what seemed like antiquated or fictional articles on Facebook. I would watch as adults typed, "Hah! This generation..." in their statuses and shrug it off because it could never be me, right?
Wrong.
I'm now sitting here in dissatisfaction because I have not been handed success, because it's too hard, because I'm tired of trying, because I'm "not there yet". Who the hell told me it was going to be easy? Did getting into Harvard suddenly make me into some magical wizard? I never got this memo but it's as if my heart and my mind have internalized this expectation imposed upon the outside world to me. It hurts to think that I'm becoming entitled or privileged. That was the person I never wanted to be. I think it's good to have a certain level of self-confidence, but it becomes toxic and hazardous when I let that dictate how I feel about where I am.
I need to remind myself... I started off in freshman year of my high school experience as a sniffling small child that prayed to get the bulletin editor position and struggled because little Frances didn't feel welcome at this STEM school full of brilliant people (story of my life). And here I am, at Harvard, the drugged up version of Whitney, and finding myself thinking the same thing. What was I expecting to change?
I should be confident and find joy in being able to start over and create a space for myself here again. I might not feel welcomed or fully at home yet, but that shouldn't stop me from finding what does make me tick here. Success? I'm frankly very nervous by the idea of not working in consulting after I graduate, which is hilarious because I still don't even know what consulting is. And neither do my friends at home. And yet here I sit, wondering if Goldman Sachs is the way to go. But I'm sure they as well would check "no" on the note I pass them oh so subtly.
It's funny. I came to this school and should feel humbled, which I don't deny I do feel. I am so humbled because everyone here is a gem and I am honored to be sitting near them. But at the same time, I wonder why I am not the same way. People at home (presumably) will tell me that I deserve to be here and that I am "The Frances Lee". But everyone here is "The [insert their name]" also. I'm just Frances.
I come from Whitney High School in a small suburb in Southern California and have frankly been very sheltered. Only to come to another bubble in Cambridge, Massachusetts.
You know what. Yes, I'm not as "successful" as the people here, but I do not feel ashamed at that. I don't know what I feel but I'm slowly coming to terms with it. I want to be happy with what I do, not sad. I do not have to cure cancer, become the next president, or save the world from an impending doom (which seems to have come with Donald Trump). I need to find happiness within myself and who I am, and what I stand for.
I will not always be at Harvard so I need to be able to set myself up for MY life. Not a Harvard life. Mine.
I'm taking back control. Or at least I'm starting again.