peaking
I sit on the windowsill, staring at the little people below me run through the Yard, always in a hurry, always in a rush... And yet here I sit. With fingers intertwined and laid quietly in my lap. No emails bombarding my phone and no urgent messages to have someone press send for. I'm no longer the train of stress that I used to be in high school. I no longer run from building to building in a frenzy with my hair streaked across my face, glued by my sweat. I exercise less than I did before because I'm in less of a hurry to get places. Sitting at dinner consists of me, the person in front, and my food. It no longer includes ten Facebook messages open with another tab with overflowing emails and frenzied texts from my advisor about the next news article to go out.
Some people would ask me what it feels like to have peaked in high school. Others might ask me how it feels to be less important in college now that I'm surrounded by hundreds of people who had the same sensation of running through their school hallways, bumping into small freshmen as they ran late to their next cabinet meeting, no lunch in hand.
I don't think I peaked in high school. I think I'm taking a break. High school for me was a marathon that I never stopped to take a water break. I let the dehydration burn my throat as my legs begged for mercy at the same time. I let myself wither away with 2 hours of sleep a night as my eyes forcibly shut down in class, 3 feet away from my teacher. I let myself skip lunch after lunch to hold 15 agendas in my hand, ready to pass them out to those I called my baby suns. I let myself drift apart from my friends. Every interaction was coupled with a larger urge for me to incessantly check my phone and rant my stress to them. I realize how I didn't ask as often as I should have how they were and how their stress levels were. Instead I was consumed every moment by the three desktops I had created: one for Key Club, one for TEDx, and one for school work and Facebook. My life was a series of desktops on a computer that was never to be shut down.
But I'm ready to put it to sleep.
I didn't peak in high school. Some people might think I did. And if they do -- that's fine. I think everyone reaches a highest point in their life, but I don't think that means they won't have high points after that.
I am taking a break. I am considering my next move. When I open up my laptop to let my life be consumed, I'll do it on my grounds. I will control it and not let it control me. I am not done, I am still plotting.