where am i going
I've been reflecting on what life should mean to me. I've talked about it with people close to me but it's something that's really got me in a rut because I can't wholeheartedly invest myself in something until I know my own answer. I've wondered whether I should live my life to achieve greatness, fame, influence, and money, or if I should live a life that would be financially stable and just that with close friends and family but no fame or infinite influence. It's hard to manage both. I guess you could but I don't know to what extent that would require lying to yourself. You could be as famous and successful as possible in a high falootin' government position and have no time to spend with your kids and loving husband. It's a really difficult and oftentimes nonexistent balance. I don't know what I want to pursue during my time here on earth. I act as if I had a choice, but I honestly think I do. If I wanted to be super successful and make a lot of money and have a lot of influence I know practically you have only so much time in a day. I used to be the type to say that it's all feasible. I could do both. I could be busy as hell and still manage to care for those around me. But what I realized coming out of high school was that although brightly idealistic, it's not true. I was close to my friends and family, but I still found myself finding a huge difference between my senior second semester and the rest of my high school career. Instead of opening my ears actively for my friends, I was very much absorbed in my own woes and sources of stress. It was hard not to be -- there was always so much on my mind and they understood that. But I also paid a price for it by doing that.
On the flip side, am I okay with not pursuing that greatness I've dreamed of? Of being highly successful and entrepreneurial in life? I want to help so many people and do so many things -- but what is life really about? Helping people yes, but also being there for YOUR people, for the people that are in YOUR life. Help and be generous, but I should never forget my friends.
I don't know my own answer yet and it's scaring the shit out of me, quite frankly. I feel like I'm running out of time. Somehow it was so much easier in high school because I never consciously chose. It just happened somehow. But now I'm too conscious of the paths that are in front of me. Will I regret my decision? I'll make it so that I don't, but I have no guarantees.