confessions
It's rough to admit I'm having a hard time. I didn't expect things to be perfect, but I did expect things to be better than they are right now.
Disclaimer: when reading this, what NOT to do...
1. don't assume anything, ask me: I'll answer
2. don't think I hate Harvard, I actually love it
3. don't think I hate my life right now, I am actually loving the place I am in right now - emotionally and physically
I came into freshman year thinking it'd be hard. Yes, I knew that much. I knew that academics would be hard and that making new friends would be difficult. I knew that being independent was going to be a new experience that I wasn't ready to have. I knew that it'd be weird from going from "Frances" to "Frances Lee, oh I think I know her! I met her once? Was that someone else? Oh well." I knew that I wouldn't come in and take Harvard by storm in the first 2 minutes I laid my eyes on it. I knew that Harvard would be a challenge in more ways that one: I just never expected it to be difficult like this...
I miss home. I'm so homesick. I spent almost every day in California saying how tired I was of Cerritos and the unbearably, constantly, daily beating sun and the weather that could cook an egg on a car. The minute I got on the plane, I was sad but more than anything, I was so excited to be across the country in a new place with new sights and new adventures. That's not any less true now, but I've learned now to appreciate my roots and the home that I left behind. Cerritos, Whitney... It's just... I miss it. I think about the sun and being able to wear shorts and a tank everyday with a light jacket... wow it's crazy. I miss my parents, even if they nag me a little bit too much sometimes. I miss my friends, even if I saw them one too many times at home because we'd spend 24/7 together. I miss TEDxWhitneyHigh and Key Club, even if they caused me the most stress I've ever felt. I still loved them to so many bits and pieces it still stuns me. I miss home. I have so much Southern California pride now that I've left and I wish I had found that when I was home, but I guess we really don't know how good we have it until we've left.
I miss having a purpose. We all have a purpose and I know... it shouldn't be contingent on one thing ever because that's dangerous. But I only truly realized that once I came here because now I feel aimless. That's hard to say because I feel this expectation from home that I should come here and hit the ground running, that I should be the same whirlwind of power people saw me as when I was a senior in high school. I feel the same expectation of greatness that I felt in the last couple months of my high school career, but a little known fact, I never asked for that. I never asked to become "Frances Lee." Trust me, it felt great when it happened and I love it to this day. I loved being the go-to person when there was a problem or when people needed advice for clubs, organizations, school, etc., but I didn't plan that the minute I stepped into Whitney. No one does. That's not really something you plan for, and yet I've found myself planning that here at Harvard. I'm trying to replicate what I had in high school because I'm so afraid that I "peaked" in high school, that TEDx and Key Club were the greatest things I am ever going to do in my lifetime. At senior retreat, when someone in my cabinet mentioned a girl who was the star at Whitney but had committed suicide when she got to Harvard, I can never forget the feeling of everyone turning around to stare at me. Their eyes were piercing and curious, to see what kind of reaction I would have. They searched for any sign of hesitation, doubt, or fear. I remember keeping my face straight and laughing it off like it was nothing, but truth be told it scared me so much. It shook me to my bones. I wondered to myself, "Am I going to be the next story that people tell at senior retreat? Am I going to find my downfall in the next 4 years?" So when I came in, I was determined to make everything perfect and to make myself successful from the get-go. I wanted to show everyone I wasn't going to succumb to that.
If I'm being really honest for those of you who've read this far: there was a period of time I thought about it. It? Refer to disclaimer #1.
I'm feeling better now. I think back to my freshman self in high school and remember the innocence of that little girl who went into Mrs. Bryson's room with little to no expectations and the same little girl that interviewed to be Key Club's bulletin editor, only to get it because the spot was undesired by any other underclassman. And what's the rush? I have my life ahead of me and my freshman year should be to explore. What's the rush? What's the rush... And anyway, my goal should be to make myself happy. If there's a smile on my face and I'm doing what I love to do, what's the trouble? What would I be lacking?
I'm still figuring it out.