why I don't talk in class
This is a huge insecurity of mine and it was insecurity that Mr. Reitz, my senior year creative writing teacher, played off of a lot. He would constantly rattle me to tempt me into having an outburst in the middle of class. He would say things he probably knew were going to bother me and yet he continued and pressed on them persistently instead while glancing in my direction. Yeah a lot of this is exaggerated for literary purposes and to tell a more entertaining story, but bottom line - he tried to get me to talk in class.
Since 9th grade, I've had a hard time raising my hand in class. To those who had to suffer through my 30 minutes of storytelling about this childhood-rooted insecurity of mine, you already know how some of this is going to go. I would raise my hand and immediately my hands would become ice cold, my legs would shake, my eyesight would blur, and my memories would disappear. I'd stand up to offer my two cents and sit back down, only to forget everything I had said and ask my neighbor if I had made any real sense. I thought and thought and thought about this and genuinely wondered why I was such a coward and why I would put on this TEDx conference to foment ideas worth spreading if I couldn't spread my own ideas. It seemed hypocritical.
I came to college and I talked to more people about this. I had come in bright eyed and hopeful that suddenly this insecurity would disappear. I had vowed at the end of senior year that I would put myself out there more in college in terms of my participation in class and sure it's gotten better, but I'm not where I want to be. But for the first time, instead of seeing it as a flaw, someone very special to me now saw it as a strength. She said that she admired how I was able to introspect first and listen to all sides before raising my hand and opening my mouth. I realized that I never decided to look at this "flaw" of mine in a more positive light. In a world that is so quick to judge and to blame, I didn't. I wanted to hear all sides and to know literally everything before I could even begin to formulate an opinion. And I guess I do see that as a strength of mine.
I might not talk as much in class as I "should", but I don't think that's a problem because when I do talk, I know that I come from a multi-faceted point of view, taking into consideration the people around me.
To some that may not be the most aggressive or the most impulsive and candid response ever, but I'm okay with it.
It's my voice and ultimately I choose what to do with it.
At the end of the day I guess I appreciate Mr. Reitz for helping me question my actions and find comfort in them rather than a weak chink in my armor.