word vomit take 2
I've been pretty rough on my nowadays (but what's new). It's not necessarily a bad thing, it just gets pretty exhausting to constantly analyze myself in the context of my values and society's values. But it occurred to me yesterday: why do I care so much about what society thinks about me? Yes, there is always the factor of peer pressure and the burning desire to fit in, especially since college has literally just started. Who wants to be the sore thumb that comes out extremely candid in the first 4 months of freshman year? Right now all we care about is making friends and attempting to lure them in long enough that whatever you thrust upon them in the future, they can't and won't leave you. Relationships are so fragile right now, why would we risk them? I'm in a new coast, a new school, a new environment entirely, a new everything... I'm not ready to shove a new me onto all of that too.
But yesterday I wondered why I tried to cater to what everyone around me wanted. Why do I keep telling myself that my needs and desires are second-rate to everyone else's? If it's a friendship shouldn't our wants and ideas be on equal ground? To no fault of anyone else's I've somehow burrowed myself into this neverending mental spiral that I have to be passive and overly sweet to make people my friends. Quite frankly sometimes it gets so bad that I ask myself why anyone wants to be my friend. I know, I know - that's truly a scary thing to admit on my blog but it's really crossed my mind. I've tried to look at myself from a stranger's point of view and I wondered why I would want to be my friend. It's so extremely self deprecating and I'm not proud of it at all, but I assure you doesn't happen often enough that I'm overly consumed. But truly, that's a mindset I've lived a good chunk of my life with, only to push it to the back, dark, dusty corners of my mind.
I want to stop. It's so tiring to cater to everyone else's needs and to always put them before myself when very honestly sometimes I just need to give myself a lot of self-care. I want to say what I'm thinking and not expect to have to immediately back down. I wouldn't say that I'm a pushover because I don't change my opinion - I only opt out of debating it or defending it. Oh no I definitely won't change my thoughts but I will keep them under the rug only to have them simmer slowly in my mind. I just honestly hate arguing with people when it's something so trivial to fight about. Why waste so much energy? But I'm realizing that with that kind of thinking, I'm also sacrificing my sanity. I might know why I'm not engaging in unnecessary confrontation, confrontation that would only bring out the worst in myself and the other person, but others don't know why. I'm often seen as introverted, passive, and overly quiet, an idea to which many of you may be like, "HAH nah she's so loud and extroverted" and some of you may nod in agreement... but I don't think I can totally be encompassed in one or the other. I very purposefully select who I will be introverted with and extroverted with. I'm really not the type to waste my energy and my primitive noises on just anyone. I have to know I can trust you.
See I don't really know where this blog post was going, but I guess it was just a time for me to rant and let my emotions out, no matter how raw and uncomfortable they may be for my readers. But I mean you're here for a reason :-)