why I live

For the past couple of days I've been asking myself what the point of life is. Sometimes I'd be able to conjure something up but at other times I'd give up and tell myself there really was none. I'd compare life to a dollar bill - given value by society but actually meaning nothing at all. It was such a scary thought. The thought of one day dying and having this all just suddenly cease to exist for me was nervewracking. I began to spiral and walk around the Yard aimlessly with tears ready to expose themselves to the world around me - threatening the questions of "Are you okay?" "Is something bothering you?" But I couldn't let them escape me because those questions were not something I could answer. I would just smile meekly and nod as passersby in my life hesitantly walked away. Every single life line thrown to me, I cut away and batted away.

But I've decided to hold on to one of the last life lines I have left. Instead of battling my mind by myself, I'm going to battle it with my friends and God. I'm not going to let myself bring myself down because it's honestly one of the most tiring things. I found myself taking a million more naps (also because I love them) because I couldn't bear to think about my life for another moment. Now I am going to talk and write more and think less about my life and its problems. I so very much have a reason to live and yet I've let myself forget that when I came here. I let myself be tossed around by the world around me instead of letting the anchor inside me keep me steady and unfazed. I came in with a dream to change the world and to use the fact that I am a woman of color to my advantage, not disadvantage. But I came here and realized how hard that would be. And instead of letting that challenge empower me, I've let it weigh on my shoulders so heavily. I am here for a reason. I am alive for a reason. I have so much to learn and so much to do. I don't know exactly what yet but I know that my existence is not for naught, and for that I am excited.

#life #NotetoSelf