brief confessions & word vomit

I'll be very honest.

I've been having a hard time here.

Maybe it's just being a part of assimilating to a new environment and a new school, but I'm having so many seemingly unanswerable questions and doubts that so invasively pervade my mind. Every moment is clouded by doubts whether I actually belong here. I genuinely wonder how I was accepted to this dream school if millions of students potentially want to attend. There are so many students around the world who are such a better fit and are much smarter, and yet they chose me: a small, Asian girl from a little suburb in California with an imperfect SAT and GPA score and nothing but seemingly unsustainable dreams. It's an absolute honor and I'm so so blessed and thankful to have this opportunity, but at the same time I'm so overwhelmed. I feel as though I am pretending to be something I am not. This kind of ultra type-A and cutthroat is not me. No, the students here are NOT toxic, that's not what I'm saying. Everyone around me is so kind, but the thing is - they're all so talented and intrinsically amazing that everything seems effortless. I logically understand that's nonsense - everyone has to work hard to get to the top and to be the best at what they do, but seeing the sheer talent and ability my peers have is honestly so intimidating. Meanwhile, here I am telling people that I watch kdramas and TV shows in my free time or just fall over and take a nice long nap.

I took my first midterm the other day and while everyone around me was saying it was "alright", "okay", and "easy", I was sitting there nodding in fear that I would be caught confessing it wasn't as easy or simple for me and that I am not having good feelings about it. But admitting that to my peers feels as though I am admitting I am not strong enough or cut out for Harvard and that prospect is so much more frightening. I literally sat in the test and thought to myself, "Do I belong here? Did I make a mistake?" During my test. During my test... Instead of focusing on succeeding on my midterm, I was questioning my sheer qualification to sit in those chairs. I sometimes feel that I've taken away the potential success and happiness of someone else that might have thrived better here.

And at this point, you're probably thinking, 'Wow she hates Harvard and is struggling.' But there is also a part of me that is fairly sure I would have these same existential crises at any other college, just worded differently. I would have wondered undoubtedly whether or not I belonged at college in general and whether or not I was as intelligent and insightful as people made me out to be. I would have wondered whether I could help this huge world we call home and momentarily given up. Whether or not I was at this school.

Even amongst all these hardships, I really actually do love Harvard. And I think that I tend to forget that when I'm bogged down by my insecurities and self doubt. Harvard is actually so inspirational and amazing. My peers are SO accomplished but at the same SO humble and I think that combination is so hard to discover in such an academically successful and worldly community. I also am in love with how diverse our campus is. We all come from SO many different stories, geographic locations, backgrounds, experiences, and to sit and hear about all of them is my dream because in some way, shape or form I will learn something from everyone around me. There is also a weird gut feeling in me that believes that every single person that I meet here has come into my life for a reason. They were not there by accident, but rather are very intentional in my shaping as a person. I may not fully realize it yet, but Harvard may really be where I was meant to be. It's a truly humbling experience and one that is so unique and special, it teaches me to be open to new conversations and new ideologies.

#college #life