sanity in sanctuary
I've been thinking a lot more nowadays, almost to the point that I'm finding no meaning in life. I stare at the people around me and the things that we do and I wonder why we're running so hard, why we're creating blisters on our hands, why we're sweating only to drink again, why we're wasting our time on anything but people... We're creating purpose. We don't really have purpose. Or at least that's what my pessimistic, 3 AM side tells me. What is life all about? Is it about making friends? Is it about changing the world? Is it about making money? Pieces of paper? That seems a little bit empty, doesn't it? Is it about creating start-ups? Is it about organizing conferences? Is it about learning Calculus? Is it about doing every daredevil thing under the sun? Is it about praising the Lord and all these creations? Is it about finding love? What is it about? I guess we could say that it's about whatever we want it to be. That's the only thing that keeps me sane.
That's a lie. That's not the only thing that's keeping me sane. Religion actually keeps me sane. I've been struggling with it a lot, but honestly the answer seems to have been within me this entire time. I can't let go of religion because life will seem so pointless without it. I refuse to believe that we are only a bunch of nerves bundled together. I want to believe we have a soul and a purpose greater than mortals can ever imagine somewhere in our afterlives. To think that this will all be over when we close our eyes for the last time - it's just so empty and sad. Sure history may record our lives and our great feats, but what really is the point in that?
I've been having trouble with my faith nowadays. But if I'm really honest with myself I don't think I will ever really renounce it. Even if I'm only holding onto a small shred, I will be holding on for my dear life because that's actually what's depending on it: my sanity and the purpose of my life.