a leap of faith
I don't know what to say except that I wasn't expecting it. I never expected to cry - almost start sobbing uncontrollably - in front of people I would call merely acquaintances at the time. For people I only saw maybe 5-6 days out of a couple of years, I felt comfortable crying in front of them. Sure it was nervewracking to be in front of them in a chair with all spotlight pointed at me, but it was worth it. Maybe I was meant to doubt my faith. I don't know. It's really complicated and quite frankly terrifying to admit to myself. As the pastor's kid I've always been expected to have the perfect faith and be the holiest of children. But that's extremely far from the truth. I can't say my faith is even close to those who have just started practicing their faith. I doubt way too much if God is even real. I would love to believe in a God that helps me through the tough times and understands me and loves me unconditionally. But the fact of the matter is that I truly doubt whether God exists because of questions that have pervaded my mind ever since talking to a certain atheist. Do I believe in a God because I'm afraid of facing my daily challenges head on? Am I just looking for an answer to things that otherwise seem impossible? Am I following a faith to please my parents who were both pastors at one point in time while my dad continues to be? Am I just believing to please everyone else but myself? I don't know. I really don't. I came to church camp to keep in touch with my roots. But at this point I can't say God is real. What I can say is that this community is amazing. Although religion may be moot, there is a certain beauty in it that cannot be replicated by anything else. Religion is something that harmonizes the thoughts of people around us and allows us to open up about insecurities we had in our lives. I want to be religious, but I hope I can be without lying overtly to myself.