over and over again

It's been over a year and I keep telling myself I'm okay. But I'm not. I'm not okay. No matter how many times I lie to myself and pretend everything is okay, I go back to being the shell of a person who knows that nothing will ever be the same again. You may think I ended what we had because I stopped loving you. And you believed it so wholeheartedly that you moved on yourself. You cut me away from your life and in the process estranged me from everything going on in yours. We never shared stories, sat under the stars, whimsically joked about the last year of high school... because you no longer needed me. I may have been your toy and nothing more than a temporary play thing, but to me you were special. You were special in more ways than one but now I know that was all a hallucination. You never wanted to be special to me. All you wanted was someone you could call special without ever meaning it. You wanted someone you could call your own, but throw away without another moment's notice. You wanted someone to blame when you were down in the dumps and say it was all because of our break up. You wanted someone to be the other half in what you would repeatedly, foolishly call a "power couple." You just wanted someone. I didn't want just anyone. I wanted you. But I guess that's not what you had in mind. But that's okay. I've learned from my mistakes and I hope one day you will too. Until then, I can't wait to be over you.