Caution | Feelings on Board

It's real. It might not be real in your world but in mine, it consumes me every day: when I have a crush, when I want to enter a new relationship... the anxiety always persists.

People are skeptical. They won't believe me. They don't think it's true that when I see the person I'm falling in love with, I'll walk the other way because I'm so afraid and nervous. They don't think it's true that the idea of a relationship scares me to the point I'll end it before it even starts. They don't believe that I feel paranoid in every relationship and the mere thought of commitment drives me away. They don't know that teasing makes me uncomfortable and that anything remotely lovey-dovey makes me cringe. But at the same time, I don't know how I'm a romantic but run away on Valentine's Day and bury my head into my desk. I don't know how I can gush about the person I like and yet be deathly afraid to spend a moment with him. Most people think it's an excuse or a justification for my actions. I wish.

I think that relationships should be perfect, even though rationally I know they can never be and it's all about compromise and understanding. I think that the slightest sign of an imperfection means the end. I hate the prospect of physical proximity because I don't want my blemishes to be discovered, so I'll rarely slow dance and I'll never be within 6 inches of his face. Ever wonder why I get super uncomfortable when I hug a guy even if I don't like him? Because I want to escape all the eyes: the eyes that are wondering if we're together or if I'm in a new relationship. I'm trying to escape the judgment and the gossip, but in the process, I've cut myself off from crushes and the idea of love. I'm deathly afraid. I tremble at the thought of commitment. I cower at the mere idea of being dependent on someone, only to have the possibility of being heartbroken and left behind. I want to run away at the mention or suggestion of a slow dance. I want to turn around when I see him because I know I'll never be able to show affection without feeling nauseous or a knot in my stomach. I try to force myself to be okay with it, hiding it all behind a smile - I've gotten better at it actually.

But relationship anxiety is real. Maybe not to anyone else, but it is to me.

I'm willing to change it - I just don't know how long or what it'll take.