Smile...
Smile. Laugh. Be happy. Don't pout. Don't stress. Don't fret. Don't ruin the mood. Cheer up. Stop it. What's wrong with you?
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah I'm fine."
But I'm not. What if I'm not fine? What if I'm being crushed from the inside out? What if I'm crumbling bit by bit and I can't feel anymore?
But I need to smile still. As I laugh and smile on the outside, I'm slowly dying on the inside as I see the people around me burst into spontaneous laughter and hug their loved ones, showing their confidence and trust in each other. I'm closed off as I cross my arms and sit at the other end, isolated from the crowd. As I get up and walk through the sea of people, I hear bubbly conversations and animated giggles, and yet through it all I can still feel terribly alone - as if I'm the only person on the planet.
I watch as they find their happiness and I'm alone, left to give them an empty smile. They find their partners, they find their bliss, they find their place and where am I? I'm not okay. I'm left behind. I'm misunderstood. But I can't blame anyone but myself because I'm in control of my own joy or misery... It doesn't feel like it. It all spirals out of control as I stare off into the distance and create a desolate corner for myself.
And yet I don't want to reach out. Counterintuitive, isn't it. But I don't want to be a burden: I don't want to be the dent in their happiness. I would never want to be the reason someone felt held back from finding and reaching their state of bliss.
...
So I guess I'm stuck. I guess I'm terribly, internally alone.