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It's the hardest thing to watch someone you love cry and you can't do anything to help. That feeling of helplessness as you watch them break down in front of you, pleading for your help, while the only thing you can do is apologize... It's one of the worst feelings I have ever experienced in my life. Mind you though that this does not mean that I wanted to be there for them any less: if anything, it strengthened my bond with them and allowed me into such an intimate, personal part of their life. How can you describe that sort of trust to someone who has never experienced it before? Before today, I never truly realized how much I loved my friends. I knew they were a major part of my life but I never realized that when they sobbed, I could do nothing to stop the stream of tears rolling down my face as I heard them gasp for air, call out, and weep uncontrollably.
Throughout my life I knew what I had to say while comforting someone but for the first time in a long time, I was at a loss for words. All I could do was listen and cry. I couldn't describe to myself what I was feeling but after I left that person's side, I lay down in my bed and began to cry loudly, unattractively, and hopelessly, asking God to help them and to give them a light to follow in these dark times. I couldn't do anything for the first time, so I asked God sincerely to help us, to bring us out of this misery, to give us answers in a time when there were nothing but questions.
My relationship with God is not as strong as I would like it to be: I am called the pastor's daughter but what do I do besides maintain a title to maintain a relationship with our God? But here, today, I asked God for help, for guidance, for wisdom, and for unconditional love. My friend was hurting so bad that I couldn't say or do anything that could end the pain, that could stop the tears, only God's word could alleviate his suffering. I used to say that I would pray and never did; it would slip my mind only for me to be reminded the next time and be flooded with guilt at my negligence to fulfill my promise of prayer. But this time, I prayed. I prayed and prayed and hoped that He was listening - that He was hearing our pleas.
I have never felt more helpless in my life. Exaggeration? Hyperbole? No. I couldn't do anything but gasp for air as words couldn't escape my mouth without sounding like a garbled mess of syllables and noises. Someone I loved was in pain... and I could do nothing to stop it. What kind of friend was I? So I turned around and I prayed and I hoped and I begged. I begged in my mind that God would take away this suffering and give peace of mind amidst the chaos and the darkness of these days. During a time when others celebrated life, my friend was yelling to the heavens why such things even existed.
I didn't have an answer for a single one of his questions because I was not in a position to answer them. I was not whole enough, I was not spiritual enough, and I was not wise enough.
The odds were stacked against me, but the only odd that we need on our side was and is God.