My Worst Enemy

Maybe you were expecting to see someone's name or hints at a certain person in this post, but I'll tell you directly who my worst enemy is: her name is Frances Lee. I am my worst enemy because I can't stop creating this black hole for myself that only leaves me feeling more insecure and empty than I should. Every day I question the things I do and my work ethic; I tell myself that it isn't enough and that my taking naps is just another piece of evidence that I can't take care of myself and it goes to show how my future is doomed... by myself. Enjoying myself and my time with the ones I love have become a "guilty pleasure" because I think the time spent bonding with my friends and family is frivolous instead of useful to society. I tell others to "take a moment" while I'm sitting here, working myself until I can see the shadows under my eyes become their own entities. I never think I'm enough and when I don't succeed, it becomes something that gnaws away at me because I know deep down inside that I could have done better. I overanalyze everything from how someone responds to my question to how I position my legs while sitting. The most trivial things become some of the most highlighted as I take them as some sort of sign from the Heavens that I should be trying harder. It doesn't matter how often I tell myself to stop or to calm down becaues I'm only human: I've come to a point at which I expect more from myself and that's all I do - expect more. I can't sedate my own expectations and that has made me increasingly depressed because it seems as though I am in this whirlwind of guilt, depression, and emptiness that can only be stopped by me: the one person who can't tell me that I am good enough.

But I'm working on defeating my worst enemy. I won't let her get the best of me because although she continues to tell me that I'll never be good enough, there's also my #1 supporter: Frances Lee. (At this point it sounds like I have multiple personality disorder, but I assure you, I don't.) Every day I will remind myself that I have to make sure to see the good in the things that I do and in the person that I am. I have to stop working myself to the bone and instead stop and think about the true reason why I'm devoting my time and energy to such causes: they have to important to me, right? I'm not good enough? That's perfectly fine. I'm never going to be good enough and I don't mean that in a self-deprecating way, but rather as a way to remind myself that there is always room for improvement. But I must remember that this improvement comes gradually and I have to be willing to constantly work on it, or else it will escape me as I stare it in the face. I have to learn to love myself and to accept myself and to encourage myself. I have to be there for myself, ready to catch me when I fall and to put me back on my feet. I can't rely on others to always be there because there will inevitably be a time when I am alone, and when that time comes, I can't be taken by surprise: I have to be ready for whatever reality throws at me.